Monday, September 29, 2014

Churchwreckers. every marriage battling with the baggage of infidelity, there is another person who lurks in the shadows. Some people call this character a homewrecker, although I think this affords the antagonist a little too much credit. The term homewrecker suggests that the other party succeeded in their efforts to dissolve a relationship. My marriage has withstood the assault, and I believe that the walls of many marriages can prevail against the same opposition.

On this blog, I have addressed each party involved with a very specific message. To the victim of unfaithfulness, I offer a simple and passionate reminder that you did not deserve this betrayal. To the cheater in disguise, I plead for honesty and radical repentance. Today, I address the one who indulges themselves on affections that are not rightfully theirs.

I must admit that I've been wanting to visit this topic for awhile, but I've struggled to formulate a plan. In all honesty, I want to be graceless. I want to be brutal and savage in my dissection of the homewrecker. Everything in me that loves justice and hates my mistakes urges me to lace this entry with vitriol and disdain. But alas, I must deny these instincts for the sake of a greater message.

First and foremost, if you are the other person you must know that you are treading on sacred ground. Forget Christianity -- nearly all major religions view marriage as a profoundly holy institution that should not be tampered with. If you consider yourself to be any person of faith, your actions must stop immediately.

Perhaps I can illustrate this particular idea another way. In a previous post, we examined how the Bible tells us that marriage parallels God and His church.  Many people have a superficial and superstitious view of church buildings, and would never deface a temple or chapel. Nonetheless, this is exactly what is happening when an affair takes place. Would you ever burn down a church? By encouraging unfaithfulness, you are mimicking the act of arson spiritually. In light of this, maybe we ought to call the wayward lover a churchwrecker instead. If you are engaged in an illicit relationship with a married person, you are vandalizing God's property, plain and simple. I cannot articulate the words to express the severity of your actions in the spiritual realm. Stop immediately.

Furthermore, you may have convinced yourself that you are acting in affection towards your lover. You are not. The very nature of antagonizing a marriage proves that you are an enemy, not an admirer. The greatest sign of respect you can show is to totally disengage from the affair. If you are interested in what's best for the other party, cease your wicked actions and comply with whatever is needed in the healing process. Stop all communication and claim ownership of nothing aside from your own responsibility. Do what it takes to swiftly and comprehensively end this tragic chapter in the lives of a couple.

You are not beyond redemption, but your relationship is. It is perverse by definition and cannot be made whole or holy. You cannot be friends. Do not be mislead by our culture's insistence that you are not culpable for this, morally speaking. You also shoulder the weight of this impropriety. If you are reading this and you have been the temptress or siren that's swayed a married person from their rightful path, now is the moment to change your course. Now is the time for change. Now is the time for repentance.


  1. While, I agree with you for the most part with everything that you have stated I can't help but wonder with amazement why within days of my husband telling me of his affair, pregancy and abortion that happened a year earlier why God compelled me to write a letter to the woman but not just any letter.

    Here is the letter names have been changed.
    Dear Sarah,
    I'm sure by now that you have pretty much figured out that this is Paul's wife and "I must know". Yes, I know but I want you to understand that this in NOT a letter of condemnation or a letter of hate and bitterness. It's a letter of hope.
    My husband told me what transpired last summer between the two of you and that there was a tragic death of an innocent life due to his unfortunate selfish act. In the very moment of my husband's confession I cried out to Jesus. Not just because of my incredible pain and hurt, not just because of the need for reconciliation in my marriage, I also cried out to Jesus for you...You see, I needed grace mercy, wisdom and forgiveness. Not only for my own healing, for my husbands healing, my families healing but also for your healing Sarah. Remarkably, after crying out I did not have one ounce of resentment toward you, sadness that it happened yes, but not resentment and I want you to know that I truly forgive you.
    At 4:30 this morning as it was just getting light I felt compelled to get out of my bed. I went outside and watdched the sky light up and God spoke to me about you. Sarah, this is the awesome hope part.
    God wants me to tell you that:
    He, the creator of the universe LOVES you. He has always loved you. You Sarah are of great value and worth to Him. He has always been with you, He know you by name and has created you in love and with a great purpose.
    Romans 5:8 but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ dies for us.
    Romans 8:37-39 Know, in all theses things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things persent nor things to come, nor powers, nor height now depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
    There is a church in your town call Faith Christian have probably seen it or been to it maybe..A woman there named Lenore Allen is willing to talk with you, pray with you and just plain love on you. I did not give her any information except your name and that I believe that God was seeking you. She attends the 9am service on Sundays and will look out for you. She is also willing to reach out to you by email if you are willing. (email provided)
    I know that my husband spoke to you not too long ago regarding not communicating with him and I feel that is the best. However here is my number (number) if you choose to speak to me.
    God loves you Jennifer and He is seeking a relationship with you.
    May God bless and keep you.

    My name

    You know, God showed me what it was to be her briefly and how much she was broken. She had no excuse for her decision but neither do we and with amazing Grace and Mercy Christ still died for us.

    Although a difficult road.. I choose to see her the way God sees her. I pray her life will be changed by the power of Jesus' name and no longer seek love in destructive ways. Choosing life rather than pointing a finger that could ultimately lead to bitterness has helped me in my own process of healing as well.

    Anyway food for thought...Blessings and thank you. Your blogs have been helpful for me.

  2. Wonderful writing on this tremendously painful topic. I have seen so many sides of this issue. My first husband was a child of divorce--his father had multiple affairs and then left his wife (with nearly a dozen children--I don't want to make the details too identifying) of 25 years for a younger woman. My former husband always called himself "true blue," but we had multiple miscarriages and then infertility. He began traveling a great deal with a woman he worked very closely with (a professional partnership) and she happened to share his extraordinary passion for an unusual hobby. After our last attempt with a fertility specialist (and right after I found out I was not pregnant) he left me for her. They are married (I hear happily) and have two children.

    So, that is one perspective. Since I had difficult bedresting pregnancies, we had decided I'd leave my very demanding job to focus on family-building. We moved to an area where he grew up and our social life centered around his family and old friends. Very long story short, I wound up being dx'd with a life-threatening disorder and became quite ill. My career could not now be revived and I lost my home. I was so bereft--walking around with aching arms for the several children I had lost. I wound up in a major depression for a long time. I began dating, but the cliche was true--the men my age at that point, who tended to want to settle down, were settled down. I had many, many experiences with married men "coming on" to me. I rejected and discouraged all of that kind of attention, and it was depressing to consider how my former husband may have behaved similarly. I continued to try dating, but it was a depressingly long exile in the dessert experience, frankly.

    I was able to begin a new career again, and it began taking off. I focused on work and doing some volunteer work. I was at a church, but didn't connect (a Catholic Church). I began looking for a real church home and found two churches. I attended both for some time, and was very involved, and life began looking far better. It was at one of the churches I met my present husband. It was nearly a decade later, and I never stopped longing deeply and painfully for a family. Long story short, my husband and I married, but his children were not ready for this. We lost some pregnancies and then finally, after all of that loss and hardship, had a child (20 years after my first pregnancy loss) through another path. Now, I experience the pain of being viewed as "the other woman" even though I was not. I find it excruciating being seen as a kind of person I am not, and I find myself really struggling with this. I understand all too well the pain of divorce (my stepchildren are grown) and I have tremendous empathy for their pain, but I can't stop being a person myself with my own feelings and history.

    Thank you for these thoughts.

    By the way, I love the letter the poster above offered the woman her husband had an affair with. I used to feel that it was primarily my former husband's sin more than his mistress's that killed my former marriage. He was the one who directly broke a vow he made to me. However, as the years have gone by, even though this is still true, I do in my heart blame them both equally for dismantling my life so violently.